I Need a Me in my Life - says Me.

Have you ever said to yourself or maybe someone else,

I need a Me in my life?

I have said this to myself a few times before, but thought I’d share with the social media world why I felt or feel this way, and you may find this relatable yourself!

I mean honestly, it’s nothing too deep as to why I feel this way, I mean I think i’m pretty DOPE as a person and if I call you friend, I think I’m a DOPE friend too, yeah I said it! Sometimes you have to give your own self “roses” so to speak, not to brag, be self centered, or conceited, but because I realize how far I’ve come in my journey in life and how much i’ve changed and I don’t have to wait to be affirmed by someone else, I affirm my damn self.

There are many reasons why I would love a “friend or person like me in my life” but I’m only going to focus on a few of those reasons for the sake of not making this a long blog..haha just playing. On a serious note, I admire some of my qualities and characteristics that I’ve wished I could see in others, if i’m being honest. I think it’s okay to have some time for self reflection and appreciate things about yourself versus focusing so much attention on what you need to improve or change. In the past several years i’ve come to appreciate my authenticity and being a genuine soul (good, bad, indifferent) and because of my own personal experiences, growth, and perspective, I found it hard to cultivate relationships that were anything other than…but realized that it was also unfair to others; and actually irrational if you think about it. I also appreciate how I am able to encourage others when they need it and even myself when I need to, listen…I wouldn’t have started half the projects I’ve done if I didn’t encourage myself! I also appreciate my “active listening” skills lol, it’s definitely the therapist in me, and it causes me to tap into my intuitiveness, which I feel is truly a blessing to be able to speak into the life of another person and feel connected enough to do so. Ok, I know I said a few things, but one more quality I appreciate about myself is my ability to show and exercise Empathy, this right here is a blessing and curse lol I am able to understand a person’s story, their experiences and even their behaviors…but also feel EVERYTHING sometimes *face palm* hence why self care is sooo important for me; i’m not new to this, i’m true to this——>”SELF CARE ISN’T SELFISH”

All of those qualities I mentioned above, to me are, are ideally what I would love to see in any relationship I cultivate and aspire to build, in a perfect world I would want a friend like ME ;-) but until then i’ll TRY to continue to show up as the best version of myself for myself and others.

First time Mommyhood Woes

Let me just say that nobody told me what motherhood would be like before I became a mother....and honestly I'm glad I wasn't informed of all the things that come with being a first time mommy, because I probably would have waited lol. I was nervous about the idea of actually being mom and would even tell people that I wasn't having children, as a way to change the subject if I was asked; go figure, or to not have to disclose that I was freaking scared! However, I know that you can never be fully prepared for parenthood, no matter how much you "prepare." When I found out I was pregnant after finally getting to a place where mentally I was ok with it, it had been after 3 months of actively trying. I was excited, nervous, and shocked...and I remember surprising my husband by putting my pregnancy test in a jewelry box...uhh yeah right! No bling bling for you lol At that point he made me take another test to make sure lol. 

Ok but lets fast forward, after telling close family and friends and even posting our baby announcement on social media, after the 3 month mark and anticipating to deliver our baby boy on a specific date, pshh! like we can really control that?! All was good in the hood, until I had complications in my 3rd trimester and had to deliver early; I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. I was told I had preeclampsia and to this day I can't tell ya how I developed symptoms for it or what I did wrong, because the doctors couldn't even tell me! It was what it was and our baby boy stayed in the NICU for 41 days before he was able to come home. 

NOW..this is where the fun starts...now I heard that a woman's body obviously goes through changes during and after pregnancy and every women is different, cool, got it. I went in this thang with no expectations, NONE. Can I get candid and vulnerable with y'all for a minute?...ok cool. So not only did I tear in 4 different places "down there", I got a yeast infection for the first time in my life! Also, a urinary tract infection...smh. I had to "take it easy" for 6 weeks, but honestly I started working out before I was cleared at my 6 week check in...sue me. I was only able to breastfeed for 4 months, when I had hoped it would be a year; my milk supply ran low after awhile...and by the way I hate pumping! Anyway, things just felt and looked different "down there" and I wasn't sure if that was normal, and you already know Google is everybody's best friend when necessary....I spent quite a bit of time on Google throughout my pregnancy and even afterwards; but I was careful not to rely too heavily on what I would read :-) 

Lets fast forward again though, because surprisingly, it's not the physical symptoms that I struggled with the most, or that bothered me the most...it was and still is People; not just people in general though. I find it funny how those who don't have kids seem to think they can have an opinion on the way I choose to handle my child or care for my child, even those with kids to be honest....have several seats please and thank you, or the unsolicited advice from others, if ya know what I mean. I also was reminded very quickly that I get overwhelmed with people sometimes; and my introvert self always lets me know that. When I was discharged from the hospital after giving birth, I honestly didn't want any interaction with anybody, I just wanted peace, my husband, and to see my baby boy in the NICU as much as possible. However, silly me for thinking that others would understand what I was going through and not take the lack of interaction, so personally...boy was I wrong..so then I became uncomfortable and withdrew even more to protect my mental and peace. No one could tell me how to handle the circumstances I had been given, I was going through it with my husband and it was our story, not anybody else's. Oh let me not forget to mention that my son was colic for 5 months straight! I heard about Colic, but had no idea what I was in for until...and let me just say, I wouldn't wish a colic baby on my worst enemy mmmmk. 

As a mom, I just want to do the best I can to care for my son and not feel criticized or undermined; any mommies out there feel me? But God, surely gives me the strength that I need to endure and honestly to even forget about the "bad," because at the end of the day, it doesn't compare to moments when I see my son's face and his smile..thank God for LOVE like this.